Exquisite Pain

Forgive the slightly uncomfortable nature of this post everyone.

Sometimes we do things that feel bad because, in feeling bad, they almost start to feel good. I'm not a masochist or anything, but I suspect this is how people who like to self-mutilate justify the things they do to themselves. I'm more thinking of watching upsetting movies because they let us have a good cry rather than cutting, but still. They are both a form of release in some ways.

Going out to dinner with my ex, which is what I did this evening, is sort of like this. I know that being with him (but not being with him) is going to be a splendid torture, excrutiatingly amazing. Exquisite pain. I love/hate it. My emotions are so extreme with him. It's amazing I am able to appear calm and cool in his presence, when my insides are literally screaming "He is acting like he's never seen me naked! What is WRONG with him?".

The real question is, what is wrong with me? Why do I always feel the need to see Harsh, to be in his presence? I literally have guys lined up to date me, which is a huge ego boost, and yet I crave the company of the man who no longer showers me with attention and affection. Is it because I want us to be friends, or do I have deeper issues?

I can't help but think I actually like the pain it causes me to know that I can't have him anymore. How messed up is that?


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Alixito
I know exactly how you feel about looking at someone that you still have feelings for but you two are no longer together any more. It is torture. It hurts like a mofo. It is like a heroine addiction -- bad for you but you can't stop it.
StupidCupid
Exactly. It sucks because we always have a good time together. And when we went to order, he already knew what I wanted to drink before I said anything. I wish my heart didn't clench when he did that.

So bad for me though. He's been working out too. I don't think he should be allowed to do that...
Cori
I think it should be a requirement that all exes immediately go bald and chubby after you break up.
Alixito
:( That sucks.
I've been working out too and I'm in the best shape of my life (and getting even better). My ex- has been working out too but I still look way better. Ha! Seriously though, it may be good to separate for a while -- meaning, not seeing him for a while. My ex- is actually in another room of my house right now helping me hook up my surround sound. This will be the last time I see him for a while because I always end up a mess whenever he's here. :'(
Alixito
Oh... my ex- is going bald on top.
Cori
Then he's following Cori's Rules For Boys Looking Less Attractive Post-Breakup. Good for him! :-P
StupidCupid
Good for you! I have been working out as well, feeling really good. Harsh is starting to lose a little bit of hair, but it is really only noticeable to him and only to me after he pointed it out. This is the first time we've seen each other in two months, I figured it was time to extend an olive branch and try to be friends. I know what you mean though, it's not good to let myself go down that road over and over again.
StupidCupid
I agree with Cori. He is following the rules very nicely. You should prank order him pizza every night to counteract the working out.
Alixito
LOL you guys are hilarious!
His bald spot is absolutely obvious now - more so than 3 months ago. I guess losing the best fucking thing in his life (me) is causing more stress-induced hair loss than he realized. Paphooey! Ha hahahhaah!
Steve Betz

Fascinating post --- when I've put myself (willingly) into that situation, I think its come from wanting the emotional high -- whether those emotions are good or bad, doesn't really matter. This was the case when I was especially meh about the other things going on in my life.

Some of my ex's got chubby, none of them went bald. That might even be too cruel for me to wish for... :)

StupidCupid
The emotional high is definitely part of it, you are exactly right.

Fair enough. You could wish for your ex's new boyfriends to go bald?
Steve Betz

Well, SC, having lost most of MY hair a while ago (and now keeping what's left super-close cropped to avoid the "Julius Caesar Look"), there'd be a little too much self-hate in that... :)

For some reason all the girls that went out with me liked the "Captain Picard" types... ;)

StupidCupid
Captain Picard definitely has a certain appeal. It's also the Ed Harris effect. Bald is beautiful!
ontimeout
I think it's simple and not all that complicated at all. At one point in your life you two were close, had a bond, an emotional/physical intimacy together... those things, regardless of who they're with, are comforting and on a subconscious level, what our hearts yearn for. When you're around Harsh, despite whatever he says or does, you're reminded of those more intimate things and it's those things that bring you back to him....it's not him, it's not that you're a masochist, or that you enjoy the torment, it's that your heart, your soul, your subconscious, your whatever, cries out for those things and because of it, you always return to the place that those things last existed.

That's just my humble opinion....

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