1 post tagged “heartache”

Forgive the slightly uncomfortable nature of this post everyone.

Sometimes we do things that feel bad because, in feeling bad, they almost start to feel good. I'm not a masochist or anything, but I suspect this is how people who like to self-mutilate justify the things they do to themselves. I'm more thinking of watching upsetting movies because they let us have a good cry rather than cutting, but still. They are both a form of release in some ways.

Going out to dinner with my ex, which is what I did this evening, is sort of like this. I know that being with him (but not being with him) is going to be a splendid torture, excrutiatingly amazing. Exquisite pain. I love/hate it. My emotions are so extreme with him. It's amazing I am able to appear calm and cool in his presence, when my insides are literally screaming "He is acting like he's never seen me naked! What is WRONG with him?".

The real question is, what is wrong with me? Why do I always feel the need to see Harsh, to be in his presence? I literally have guys lined up to date me, which is a huge ego boost, and yet I crave the company of the man who no longer showers me with attention and affection. Is it because I want us to be friends, or do I have deeper issues?

I can't help but think I actually like the pain it causes me to know that I can't have him anymore. How messed up is that?